The Day After My Miscarriage
The Day After Surgery
The day of my surgery, everyone was amazing. The nurses and doctors all made me feel super comfortable. Everyone told us they were extremely sorry for our loss.
No one, including my family members and friends, made me feel small for grieving over a pregnancy that didn’t go past 9 weeks.
Who knew how much I needed that?!
When I woke up from the D&C, I was experiencing a lot of cramping. The nurse gave me some medication through an IV.
It seemed as though as soon as the cramping stopped, the tears started. It hit me. The little nugget that I was carrying inside of me for the past 9 weeks and 2 says was no longer with me.
Thank God for the nurse who was taking care of me after I woke up from surgery. She brought me tissue and reassured me that my feelings were valid and that she’d be praying or me.
But I felt alone.
I don’t know if it was because I wanted this baby so badly that it hurt me to the core, but whatever it was, it changed me.
The things that used to matter before and the things that made me feel insecure were now insignificant. The things that triggered my anxiety now carried no bearing on my heart.
It was like my view of the world had changed from the moment I opened my eyes from that surgery.
The next day, Friday, I didn’t do much of anything. I laid in the bed, binged watched the Kardashians (I know, judge me lol), and stuffed my face with the Bread Pudding my husband so graciously made for me after the surgery.
My whole pregnancy, I was craving sweets THE whole time (makes me think this one was a girl!), but the sweets flared up my morning sickness! However, it was like after I had my D&C, my morning sickness and all of my pregnancy symptoms went away immediately.
Saturday I went back to work. It was exactly what I needed to take my mind off of things.
Work was really slow at first, then picked up a lot, and all of a sudden people stopped coming.
Then I was alone with my thoughts.
And finally had time to go to the restroom.
Seeing the blood, I was reminded of everything that was happening.
When you have a D&C, it is not the end of the journey. You still bleed. Some women for weeks at a time.
As if experiencing this loss wasn’t already hard.
We can’t forget to add the physical (and financial) repercussions. It speaks so loud.
Sunday, Franklin took me shopping (hello, retail therapy) and I think I may have overdone it with the walking.
The cramps were insane and I started passing these ridiculous blood clots. It was harder on me mentally and emotionally than it was physically, but I truly hurt all the way around.
The grief is a whole other story. I feel so broken. Experiencing this loss has been like grieving over someone that no one else knew or loved except for you.
It’s so crazy how our bodies can be so beautiful and create life, then betray us in the same breath.
My body had created life and now that that life now longer existed, my body was ridding me of everything that was in me that represented my first shot at motherhood.
Our moms and our grandmas tell us all these things that physically make you a woman.
From your period, to sex, to childbirth, but miscarriage…
We don’t talk about that.
But if anything has made me feel the whole experience of womanhood, it was losing this first baby.
Though this blog post may be a heavy one, my heart remains hopeful and my faith is crazy as ever!
The way that this pregnancy has changed me has been remarkable, both mentally and physically.
Did I mention my boobs went from a 32C to a 32DD?! (My husband says, “can we keep ‘em?!”) Lol!
And my butts a bit juicier too, so I’ll take it!
So, this has been my life recently. I hope you guys will continue to stick around as we’re on this journey! I’m sure we’ll be announcing our rainbow baby soon enough!
As our journey to parenthood continues, I’ll continue to update this page with how everything’s going.
Here’s what’s happening so far: